Laywers Jokes

My Rolex !
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself,

"I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree.

He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

New Evidence

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying:

"I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."

The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"

The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!

The Lawyer And the Butcher
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

Itemizing Costs!
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs.

The statement included this item:

"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you.

Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- 50.00.


The Brain Store
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study.

He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store.

He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

The Virtuous Children
Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children.
The first said,
“My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.”

The second proudly proclaimed,
“My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.”

“That is nothing,” replied the third,
“my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!

The Lawyer And St Peter
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St.Peter.

But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing.

St. Peter greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 150 years old!


Fee!
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"