Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Something to brighten up your day !
Prospective Employer to Applicant: "So why did you leave your
previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me
where!"
________________________________________________________________
Wife: "Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and
brought all our five kids with him."
Radio Host: "Ok, go ahead!"
Wife: "Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually
only one of them is yours."
_______________________________________________________________
Hello! I'm here again. My mind is all muddled up. I just want
to ask something. I know
that you will be able to help me out. Is BIRDS FLU the past
tense of BIRDS FLY?
_______________________________________________________________
You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music
is very
loud. Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When
you were
going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you,
and you suddenly realized . . . .
that you have your MP3 player on your ears !
______________________________________________________________
WIFE: It's a miracle! You came home early.
HUSBAND: I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said:
"GO TO HELL",
that's why I came home early.
_______________________________________________________________
1st night grandma wore a see-thru dress, grandpa didn't
react...
2nd night grandma wore t-back, grandpa still didn't react...
3rd night grandma all naked, grandpa said "what is that you
are wearing,
it's all crumpled!!"
_______________________________________________________________
John: it's my wife's birthday
Peter: what's your gift to her?
John: I asked her what she wanted
Peter: what did she said?
J: anything, as long a there is a DIAMOND.
P: what did you gave her?
J: playing cards
________________________________________________________________
Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not t rue! My dad sez we are descendants of an
Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
Out somewhere expensive
When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded
that I take her out to some place expensive................ ...
So I took her to a petrol station
太累了嗎？ 輕鬆一下.......
打九折
某天早上，我同學兩人坐在車位上，
身旁站著兩位建中男同學， 我同學竊聽那兩建中男生的閒聊…
A男：唉…還記得我前幾個禮拜去訂作制服褲嗎？！
B男：記得呀！怎樣？！
A男：那天我去西門町那訂作呀…老板就在幫我量尺寸，
他就問我你想打幾折…我心裡就在想第一次來這不要太狠，就很客氣的對老板：「說呵~~打九折就可以啦！ 老板猶豫一下就回答我：「好！…」 B男：嗯~~那不錯呀！然後...？
A男：然後？！誰知道…老板原來是問褲子腰邊旁要打褶啦！ 害我穿上訂作褲，看起來像百褶裙… B男一臉錯鄂愕：啊？！不會吧？！ A男滿臉悲憤的邊拉起外套邊說：不相信你看嘛… 頓時只見B男和我那憋很久的同學們都像發了瘋一般在各自抽慉狂笑…
一夜激情
一夜激情之後，我起身從褲兜中掏出一支香煙，
但卻找不到打火機，於是我問那女孩身邊有火嗎？
「第一個抽屜裡好像有火柴。」女孩回答。
我打開床頭櫃的抽屜，看到一個火柴盒，火柴盒的下面有一張陌生男人的照片，我覺得很奇怪，於是 好奇地問：「他是你丈夫？」
當然不是，傻瓜！」女孩依偎在我身邊。
「那是你男朋友？」我接著問。
「不，也不是！」女孩一邊回答，一邊輕吮著我的耳朵。
「那，這會是誰？」我充滿疑惑地問。
「那就是手術之前的我。。。。。」
戴隋同？？）
某高中學校學生名叫戴隋同。
某日，訓導處某位老師向全校廣播：「高二同學，戴隋同到訓導處來。」
結果十分鐘後，訓導處前擠滿了帶著大小水桶的同學，還有人在問：「要不要裝水啊？」
◎有一次逛街時突然覺得肚子痛
於是走進街角的叻坊酒巴，想說借個廁所用用，偏偏 找遍了一樓就是找不到，於是我跑到二樓去，
二樓卻空蕩蕩的沒有任何東西，最後發現有一間廁所外貼著\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\‘故障待修,請勿使用 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\’，我想說實在是忍不住了，管他三七二十一，反正四下無人，脫了褲子就朝馬桶蹲下去，霹靂啪啦
……好爽！！
結束後，我走下樓去卻發現空無一人，奇怪了，剛才樓下還高朋滿座， 怎麼一下子就人去樓空呢？？連吧台酒保都不見了…… 於是我走近，並且敲敲吧台問到：「有人在嗎？怎麼都沒人了？？」
此時，只見酒保利雲從吧台下鑽出來，並且開口說： 「我操！他媽的！……
剛才大便打中天花板上的電風扇的時候你不在嗎？？」
為什麼？
小魏打電話給女同學小美，沒想到是她媽媽接的。
小美的媽媽：小美不在，請問你貴姓？
小魏：我姓魏。
小美的媽媽。魏什麼？
小魏：我....我也不知道為什麼..我爸爸姓魏，我就跟著姓魏....
先後秩序
一天，小華上作文課，作文題目是：「我的願望。」
小華寫著：「我第一個願望是希望有個可愛的寶寶，第二個願望是希望有個好丈夫．．．。」
作文簿發下來後，只見老師評語處寫到：「請注意先後秩序！」
求婚
六歲的小芳粉可愛，常常被班上小男生求婚。
有一天，小芳回家後跟媽媽說：「媽咪！今天小強跟我求婚要我嫁給他…」
媽媽漫不經心的說： 「他有固定的工作嗎？」
小芳想了想說：「他是我們班上負責擦黑板的。」
心痛ㄉ感覺
某日,某某高中舉行園遊會,其中有一個攤位是賣調酒ㄉ...
MENU上寫著
螺絲起子................NT70
血腥瑪莉................NT80
藍色夏威夷..............NT80
心痛ㄉ感覺..............NT80
由於從來沒看過'心痛ㄉ感覺'這東東, 於是便好奇ㄉ點了一杯,過了不久, 從窗口遞來一杯.....80元的白開水... 嗚! 好痛..
犯詐欺罪
某所大學的法律系，有一天考刑法。
教授向學生提出的第一個問題是：『什麼叫詐欺罪？』
學生回答說：『如果您不讓我考試及格則犯詐欺罪。』
教授非常詫異：『怎麼解釋？』
學 生說：『根據刑法，凡利用他人的無知而使其蒙受損失的人則犯詐欺罪。』.....
背書
一個學生拿到生平第一張支票，
興沖沖的跑到銀行去存，經辦人員看了看支票，
啪地一聲，把支票放回櫃檯上說：『背書！』
這個學生嚇了一跳，一頭霧水、怯生生地問： 『請問要背那一段？』
買衛生棉
幾個七,八歲的小男孩決定湊錢買玩具.七湊八湊之下湊了四百圓.
'四百圓可以買什麼呢?' 其中一位問到...
'我想我們可以去買衛生棉.'
另一個回答... '衛生棉有什麼好?'
大夥兒一齊問他...
'我也不太清楚.不過電視上說有了它,
就可以爬山,滑水 ,打球,溜冰,自由快樂沒煩惱
請假
相信大家都還記得，小學時代請事假一定都要事先遞假單給老師
我同學教小學三年級，有一天她的一個學生因為奶奶過世要出殯，必須回南部，所以在
事假單的「事由」上寫著：「出殯」。
我同學糾正他說，「事由」應該是請假的人要去作的事才對，果小朋友點點頭、
拿回座位改，不久後拿來改過的事假單，只見「事由」由「出殯」改成----「陪葬」！
以為觸電
有一次上課時，老師突然看到一位學生右手上著石膏，綁著繃帶，
於是，師問：怎麼才幾天不見你，你的手是怎麼啦？
生：斷掉了。
師：啊！怎麼會斷掉？
生：因為我太懶了，所以就斷掉了...
師：啥！太懶了手也會斷掉啊？
生：沒有啦！因為前幾天我走在路上，走著走著有一棵小石頭就跑到我的鞋子裡，因為我懶的把鞋脫下來 倒石頭嘛，所以就右手扶著電線桿，左腳在半空中搖啊搖的，我想把石頭搖下來，結果後面突然跑來 一個人，用棍子把我的手打斷了 ....
師：為什麼？？
生：唉.....他以為我觸電...........
Your Eyes Love to Play Tricks on You...
Mirror, Mirror On The Wall
How Many Deers Are There?
It's No Photoshop Trick
Come, Head, The Tide Is Coming!
The Old Castle Gate
The Dwarf and The Giant
And let's change position...
Observe Carefully, He is NOT Fishing In The Clouds
Google Earth
This is the solution as you probably assumed:
考试笑料
一次语文考试，诗句填空是白居易的《题大林寺桃花》中的一句“不知转入此中来”，正确答案应是“常恨春归无觅处”，我前排一个同学愣是填了“常恨村姑无觅处”。
高中时候也是填诗词下句。上句是：“洛阳亲友如相问”；我一个同学填：“就说我在岳阳楼”。
高中一次语文考试，也是填下一句：“蚍蜉撼大树，()”。我有一同学填：“一动也不动”。很符合事实。
高中语文考试，写古诗下句。上句是：“待到山花烂漫时”，我们班一人居然填了：“我便奋力把花采”。
以前同学读课文，其中有一句：拿出芭蕉扇扇扇。本来停顿应该是拿出芭蕉扇，扇扇。那同学直接读成：拿出芭蕉，扇扇扇！
老师曰：“西塞山前白鹭飞”，一同学憋半天憋不出，于是答：“东村河边黑龟爬”！
城里的人没有人味
从前，有一个乡下的蚊子和一个城里的蚊子是好朋友，有一次乡下的蚊子请城里的蚊子到乡下玩，到了晚上就请城里的蚊子搓饭。因为乡下人穷，都不挂蚊帐，所以两只蚊子饱餐一顿。
过了些日子，城里的蚊子回请乡下的蚊子到城里玩。到了晚上也要请客人吃饭，可城里人都挂蚊帐，两只蚊子在城里转了半晚也没找着个可叮的人。可是又不好让客人空着肚子回家，城里的蚊子只好带乡下的蚊子到庙里去，两只蚊子对着泥菩萨叮了半天，天亮了乡下的蚊子就回家了。
回去以后，其他乡下的蚊子问它：“城里怎么样啊？”，它回答说：“城里哪都挺好的，就是城里的人没有人味儿。”
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."
And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"
Hooligan Hijinx
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."
Penguins Go to the Zoo
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
Gorilla Control
A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.
"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."
"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"
"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."
Monday, June 16, 2008
![[搞笑图片]这个沙发不错...](http://pic.piclib.net/sunvv/images/pic/23254.jpg)
儿童笑话系列
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” *** 老奶奶看完赛跑后惊呼：“真吓人，挖煤的跪成一排，有人要枪毙他们，可没瞄准就开枪了。娃子们吓的那个跑呀！绳子都拦不住！ *** 老师：“我有两个题目，你能答出第一题就不需再答第二题。” “你有多少根头发？”老师问。 “一亿两千万根。”学生答。 “你怎么知道？”老师问。 “第二题不需回答。”学生说。
百战百胜
斯托克看到自己的儿子与邻居的强壮的小孩角力，就鼓励他说：“加把油！赢了我给你5毛钱。”
后来，儿子回家告诉爸爸他果然赢了，斯托克便给了他5毛钱，以后儿子又胜了几次，斯托克照样每次都给5毛。
但斯托克思考再三，总觉得儿子敌不过邻居的孩子，所以又问：“你果真能赢他吗？”
“当然，百战百胜。”儿子自豪他说。
“那你用了什么技巧呢？”
“这简单，”儿子回答，“每次给他1角钱，他准败。”
我不会跳
学校的学生活动中心有个舞厅，每个周末都要举行开放舞会。每到周末，这里就汇集了一大群爱跳舞的男男女女，气氛很热烈。不过我生性鲁钝，学了几次跳舞都没 学会，所以一般是不去舞厅的。又一次我们班的同学集体组织到舞厅去跳舞，班长说这是为了增进同学之间的感情。还说这是集体活动，不能缺席，不会跳舞的同学 也要到场——不会跳你还不会看别人跳呀？
我们来到舞厅，里面已经有许多人。现在奏的是轻音乐，大家跳的都是慢三步。我们班这群男 男女女立即自由组合，纷纷下了舞池。我不会跳，只好找个阴暗的角落坐下。没过多久，一个小女生怯怯地走过来，弓下身子对我说了句什么，估计是找我跳舞—— 音乐声音太大，听不清楚。我冲她摇摇头说：“对不起，小姐，我不会跳。”但是音乐声音太大，她也没听清楚，还是毕恭毕敬地站在我跟前不走。我又冲她摆摆 手，她还是不走。一曲终尽，音乐声音小了，我抓紧时间对她说：“对不起，小姐，我实在不会跳。”她一脸茫然地说：“先生，你能把通道门让出来吗？我想去洗 手间。”
Sunday, June 15, 2008
politic joke in Malaysia
People: "Previously.. my living was fine.. until the price of fuel increasing."
YB: "CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE."
People: "But toll also increasing!"
YB: "CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE."
People: "But all the expenses also increasing!"
YB: "Your lifestyle have to CHANGE.. CHANGE!"
People: "But.. flour , sugar, milk, also will increasing in price!"
YB: "I think.. You better wear this only."
People: "..."
YB : "Gentlemen and madams, our country are being progressive. See, we have cyberjaya, we have putrajaya, we have IT song. We have.. Eh.. You. You! What are you doing?"
Blogger: "I am writing my blog."
YB : "What blog? You destroying our country! You cause our country in clamor! We can't neglect our national unity!"
Blogger: "But I just sharing my opinion."
YB : "All the bloggers are liar. From 10,000 bloggers that unemployed; 8,000 of them are women! For our country splendid, well-known famous, sparkle.. I hope Malaysian not to trick by bloggers, because they are agent from foreign country!" "Can I have your blog's address?"
Laywers Jokes
My Rolex !
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself,
"I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree.
He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
New Evidence
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying:
"I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!
The Lawyer And the Butcher
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
Itemizing Costs!
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs.
The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you.
Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- 50.00.
The Brain Store
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store.
He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
The Virtuous Children
Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children.
The first said,
“My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.”
The second proudly proclaimed,
“My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.”
“That is nothing,” replied the third,
“my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!
The Lawyer And St Peter
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St.Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing.
St. Peter greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 150 years old!
Fee!
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
